February 12, 2010
About a month ago I found myself in presence of Toni Packer, sitting next to her bed and looking into her serene eyes. To be able to experience that moment was largely due to mysterious work of heaven, it seems.
Though I was thinking about visiting Toni for several years I was not able to find a ride to her home about an hour away from Rochester.
Recently while having a chat with a friend about Zen path I did mention in passing how much I would like to visit Toni to thank her for everything she has done for me. I was very surprised and even shocked when two days later he called announcing that we can go to meet Toni at 4 pm Sunday or Monday! Without consulting with me Pete called Springwater Center and arranged the visit. This was totally unexpected and I was very moved and excited.
After buying flowers we left Rochester in very beautiful day. Driving through country side of Finger Lake region was magic.
I was very nervous not knowing what to expect and what was Toni’s present condition. Entering her bedroom I had to compose myself instantly. Seeing Toni bound to bed was hard. However, next moment when I stood of front of her it was such a good feeling… Toni herself as I did remember her…
After our greetings Pete thoughtfully retreated to living room where he was looking through Toni’s books.
Toni in Poland; courtesy of Andrzej Krajewski.
We had an hour and half to ourselves. Our conversation was wonderful, about everything – her family, her center, her students and old times at Zen Center, her sesshin at Dai Bosatsu Zendo. Toni remembered much about our sesshins in Poland and old friends, asking many questions.
At one point when I did ask if she is in pain. Toni responded that she is in constant pain. Many years ago when Toni was leading sesshin in Poland I remember complaining in dokusan about my terribly painful knees. It was amazing how she helped me to deal with it or rather let it be… and pain disappeared by itself…
To hear that Toni still gives interviews to her students even while being in the condition she is now was the most inspiring. She is able to go into the depths of her being where there is no pain and from this realm she shares. Students from Springwater Center come once a week and surround her bed. They do together what she calls now “the work”. During week long retreats participants come to her house every day. Toni added that she will do it until she is not able anymore…
Her words were sinking into me deeply, for some reason. She still teaches with great strength and her wise words again come to me at right time.
As I came to Rochester second time in 1982 after being one year in Poland it was very painful to see Toni leaving Zen Center to teach independently. I can understand that one will eventually outgrow particular organization and has to leave; the reasoning for the split was very troubling to me. Weather one calls it “practice” and another “work” is just changing the name. Dropping external “Zen traps” are worthless when one did not drop the most essential one – the sense of one’s self. And, at that time it was obvious that all considered parties were deeply stuck with their small selves. When one discovers who one truly is and has unshakeable confidence there are no traps to drop. There is no need to look for more and one is not influenced by “teachings” of others.
And now, many years later we are sitting together – Toni and myself – shearing the heart; no traps. Toni wanted to give me one of her books but it turned out she had only single copies of each one at home. I refused… The time with her means much more to me than a book. Saying goodbye I felt I need to come back, soon.
It was dusk outside, an open view from the hill and a very narrow crescent moon while we drove back. Pete Aston had to leave Rochester two days later due to new work assignment. His mysterious mission to take me to Toni was truly uncanny.
This is how life goes on… canny uncanny, Ha! Ha!
Pete and Toni! Gassho!